Joe Wizard:The Average Joe of the Wizarding World!
by Cielita
Summary: Thanks to well done memory charms, our favorite Deputy Headmistress and other staff are part of an elaborate Wizarding Reality TV show based on the Muggle show, Average Joe.
1. The Wizarding World Meets Average Joe

Joe Wizard—"Wizard Reality TV"  
  
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Joe Wizard, the latest in Wizarding reality television. Tonight, we will meet Minerva, a beautiful witch who is looking for a wizard to spend the rest of her life with. These people may appear to have known each other, but thanks to a careful process of memory extraction, they wouldn't know each other from any other muggle on the street! Let's meet our lovely witch now!" said a tall witch with dark hair and green eyes. She gestures towards a large television screen and it turns on, beginning to show images of the woman in question.  
"I've been a teacher at Hogwart's for going on 36 years. I've had a fulfilling career thus far, but I've always felt that there was something missing from my life. I am really looking for someone that I can really talk to, settle down with and spend the rest of my life with. Intelligence is far more important to me than physical beauty. I want a man that can be my equal on an intellectual as well as on an emotional level," a voice said as the pictures of a graceful, lovely woman of about 70 was shown from several angles and in different scenes. One standing on the beach, another standing on a balcony, another in her office grading papers at her desk, and yet another teaching her classes.  
"Now," said the host of the show, "let's meet the lucky men she'll be choosing from!" One at a time, pictures of twelve men rolled across the screen.  
Albus Dumbledore's face was the first to materialize on the screen. He is an elderly man of 150 according to the bar at the bottom of the screen and is the headmaster of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Albus spent his on screen time talking about his favorite sweets and how he hoped that this Minerva liked sweets as much as he did.  
"I believe that there is a woman out there for me but I just haven't met her yet. Perhaps this Minerva is the one I've been searching for and I will be meeting her here for the first time...." said Dumbledore with a whimsical smile.  
Severus Snape, 35, also of Hogwart's School, was the next to appear. He teaches potions at Hogwarts, one of the more difficult subjects in the curriculum, and he was hoping that the intellectual nature of his job would click with Minerva's.  
"Intellectual women are stimulating. I enjoy a woman who can keep up with me on a verbal level. If I can have a productive conversation with a woman without her angering me, I know we'll have some very good chemistry."  
  
Remus Lupin's face came up next. He was smiling, his boyish charm plainly visible. He claimed that he was looking for a woman who would appreciate his wild side. Filius Flitwick's on-screen appearance was short...pardon the pun. He didn't say much, other than to state that he teaches charms and is looking for the woman of his dreams to appreciate him for who he is and not his height. He likes sushi and hot-tubbing ...anytime!  
  
Rubeus Hagrid's rugged features were the next to be profiled on the screen. Hagrid said he wanted a woman who liked animals. He also wants a woman who won't be intimidated by his height. He said a woman has to be able to handle 100% Hagrid, and if she can't, well, then, maybe it's not meant to be. He likes to party, that's not a secret, and he hopes that Minerva does too.  
Argus Filch is an over the hill geezer in a dead-end position as caretaker at Hogwart's. He's hoping to meet his soul mate and sweep her off her feet with his sparkling charm and rapier wit.  
Gilderoy Lockhart's gleaming smile graced the screen next, "I'm looking for a woman to be a compliment to my already stunning reputation. She'll be a jewel in my crown. The perfect queen for the perfect king! I mean, we'll have the ceremony at this wonderful little chapel I found in southern England. She'll wear white and I'll wear my favorite color, lavender, but you already knew that because you've all read my books. Minerva has probably read them all already and knows exactly what to expect from me..." The rest of Gilderoy's speech is cut off and the film moves on to the next man.  
At this point, the staff lounge was full to the brim. The commercial break allowed several to get up and move around, including Madam Hooch, who brought back a large bowl of popcorn and a keg of butterbeer. The remaining members of Hogwarts staff were crowded around a muggle television that Professor Dumbledore had charmed to work at Hogwarts. The women were joined tonight by students from all four houses that wanted to see their teachers in action.  
"My money's on Professor Dumbledore. He's just got a certain quiet quality about him that I think Professor McGonagall likes," said Hermione, passing a bowl of popcorn to Harry.  
"I don't know, Hermione. Professor Flitwick may give him a run for his money," said Harry, tossing popcorn into the air and catching it in his mouth as Hermione laughed.  
"You Gryffindors can give up now, because you haven't seen the rest of the contestants, and I know exactly who's gonna win this competition," said Draco Malfoy, snatching a handful of popcorn before sitting down cross- legged beside Harry.  
"What makes you so sure of that?" asked Ron, cracking open a bottle of butterbeer and passing one to Draco.  
"Look," said Draco, pointing at the screen. The show was back on, and the staff were hushing their students so that they could hear.  
Alastor Moody's was the next face to appear on the screen. The girls squealed and the boys cried out, "COOL!" when Professor Moody removed his magic eye. Madam Hooch shook her head and let it drop into her hands. "Oh, Alastor, you didn't!" Madam Pomfrey murmured, her eyes open wide and her hands over her mouth. "I just want a woman who can love me for who I am inside. Someone who can see past my eye and love me. I really haven't dated much in my life, seeing as I'm an auror and everything, but I'm planning on retiring soon, and I want someone to share my life with. I'm a cuddler. I like to hold a woman; to touch her. I hope that this Minerva likes to cuddle," said Moody. Poppy Pomfrey's heart melted, "I hope she kicks him off first." Rolanda Hooch gave her a funny look.  
"He's a great guy! Why would you wish that?" Hooch said. But then she saw the look on Poppy's face and smiled, "Okay, Poppy. You win. I'll cross my fingers with ya." Madam Pomfrey smiled in return and shook Hooch's hand.  
Lucius Malfoy's pale, platinum blonde visage filled the screen next. Several Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs threw popcorn at the TV and boo-ed.  
"Draco, isn't your father still married?" hissed Ginny Weasley, who had, since the commercial break, snuggled down in front of Draco and melted backward into his arms.  
"Since when has that ever stopped him?" Draco laughed. Harry and Ron had to laugh in disbelief. Ginny shot Draco an icy glare and he got the picture.  
"Oh, of course, I would _never_ do that to you, Ginny," Draco said. Satisfied, Ginny smiled again and turned back to face the screen. Harry's scar began to prickle and itch as Voldemort's voice filled the room "I know I've got a reputation for being an evil wizard, but underneath all that, I'm just a guy looking for my place in the world...and a woman who understands me to share it with..." he said. The faculty lounge at Hogwart's was so quiet, the crickets could be heard in the background. All eyes were open wide and all movement had stopped as the evil wizard spoke.  
  
"How the bloody hell did *he* get on that show??" asked Ron. Harry held his scar and shook his head. Draco shrugged.  
Dobby the House Elf came onto the screen next. Harry nearly spit all the butterbeer in his mouth out at the screen as Ron, Hermione, Draco and Ginny laughed.  
"I is very happy to be here. I am Dobby, ma'am. Dobby the house elf. I is so very pleased to make your acquaintance!" Several shots of Dobby working and one of him simply looking at the camera and smiling shyly. The other staff members shook their heads in disbelief.  
"Well," said Professor Sinistra, "We know at least ONE of the men getting kicked off the island tonight."  
Firenze the centaur came up next. Many of the female students gasped, drooled, or made some other boy-crazy sign of appreciation. Ron rolled his eyes and Harry laughed.  
"Girls!" Ron said. Ginny and Hermione reached across and belted Ron.  
  
After yet another commercial break, the show returned and the audience in the lounge was paying rapt attention to the beginning of the competition. 


	2. Minerva Meets the Boys

Introductions : Minerva Meets the Boys  
  
After a commercial break, the group settled down, having settled a popcorn fight between Madam Hooch and several of the Slytherins who insisted that they had caught her with Professor Snape, catching a quick snog behind the stadium.  
Turning their attention back to the television, Minerva McGonagall's face returned to the screen. She was dressed in her finest dress robes and was standing before the doors of an amazing mansion. The next few scenes were devoted to Minerva exploring her new domicile. The rooms were large and sumptuous and Minerva smiled in approval. Later, she was shown descending the stairs and coming to a stop outside the door, ready to welcome the gentlemen that would be contending for her heart. As her heart pounded, she suddenly caught sight of something in the distance.  
A horse drawn carriage was clip-clopping its way up the drive and around to where she stood. Out of the carriage stepped a handsome young wizard. Dark hair and blue eyes adorned a richly tanned complexion and a finely honed body. Most of this body was hidden beneath flowing, blue silk wizards robes, which gave him the appearance of gliding as he approached Minerva, a gleaming jewel on the cheek of the night.  
The group in the lounge was ooh-ing and ahh-ing. Minerva smiled and fought to keep her composure as he lifted her hand to his and kissed it.  
"Good evening, Minerva. My name is Alex. I'm here to welcome you to your new home and to wish you luck, but I am not one of your dates tonight," he said. Minerva looked a little confused. Wasn't she here so that gorgeous men could throw themselves at her feet?  
As the carriage drew away from the scene, Minerva looked a bit nervous. What was going on? This wasn't in the script!  
There was a mix of emotions in the lounge. Some chuckled, some shook their heads as if expecting the impending doom to drop out of the sky, right then and there. What Minerva was in for was nothing she or anyone in the lounge would have expected.  
There was a loud bang, and the Knight Bus arrived, winding slowly up the drive and coming to a stop before her. The doors of the double-decker bus slid open and Minerva held her breath. What was this all about? Then the first man stepped from the bus. There, before Minerva, was a bearded, diminutive man of less than four feet in stature. This man saw Minerva, clasped his tiny hands over his heart and then his mouth to cover the squeak of glee that issued from his mouth before he approached Minerva and introduced himself.  
"I have the honor of being Mister Filius Flitwick, Professor of Charms at Hogwarts school. I am very, very pleased to make your acquaintance!" he squeaked. Minerva shook his hand and he kissed hers in return. The little guy looked star-struck. Minerva showed him to the door into the house and then turned, almost afraid, to see the next person to come off the bus.  
This man walked with a limp. Minerva ascertained that this was due to the wooden leg she could hear clicking against the pavement. One of his eyes was slightly larger than the other and clearly a different color. His smile seemed genuine though, and Minerva extended her hand graciously to greet him.  
"My lady," he said gently, "My name is Moody, Alastor Moody, and I look forward to getting to know you tonight." Minerva smiled and nodded as he kissed her hand and went inside to join Flitwick.  
In the lounge, as each man descended from the bus, whoops, hoots and cheering issued from various members of the participating audience. The Ravenclaws went wild when Flitwick arrived first, and the staff members, those that knew him the best, cheered when Alastor got his close up on screen. Poppy Pomfrey bit her lip and clapped along, all the time hoping and praying that this would be the only night she was without him.  
A dark shrouded figure was the next to come down from the bus. Brown eyes hidden beneath long dark lashes contrasted the pale complexion of Severus Snape. He introduced himself and for the first time tonight, Minerva seemed to show interest. There was something about this man's eyes. She was intrigued. Severus joined the others and Minerva looked to the bus again, knowing that there were surely many where he came from. Sure enough, draped in black and dark cranberry robes, with his blonde hair brushed liquid smooth and pulled back into a neat ponytail was Lucius Malfoy. His icy blue eyes were guarding something, and it gave Minerva a bit of a start. He introduced himself and the barely perceptible sneer in his expression gave Minerva chills. She could tell that he was a something of a dark wizard, and that wasn't a good sign.  
If Minerva thought that Lucius Malfoy gave her chills, she was in for a shock with her next guest. With dark brown robes and a turban covering his head, the Dark Lord Voldemort glided up to Minerva and kissed her hand. Minerva thought she'd faint if he was before her another minute, but then he opened his mouth to speak.  
"Hello, Minerva! I've very pleased to meet you. I've been waiting a long time for this and wow...just looking at you I can tell you were worth waiting for. I hope we get to talk inside. Bye now!" Voldemort slipped inside the door, a grin as wide as the horizon on his insipid face and a glow in his eerie red eyes. Minerva had to sit down for a while and take a glass of water before her next guest was allowed to get out of the bus.  
When she had regained her composure and received her next guest, she was immediately glad she did. Dashing and youthful with dark hair and breath-taking brown eyes was Remus Lupin. Minerva's heart flip-flopped. Here, finally, was something she expected! Remus smiled, kissed Minerva's cheek, and complimented her robes before joining the others in the house.  
The audience in the lounge was positively raucous with noise. Echoes of "Go Lupin!" resounded as well as the standard applause and whistling. Several staff members chuckled.  
"Once a flirt, always a flirt!" cried Hooch.  
Minerva greeted Firenze, an elegant, muscular centaur next, and then blond and blue eyed Gilderoy Lockhart. Lockhart didn't strike her as the type that really needed a significant other in his life. The staff watching the show thought they heard the words "stuffed shirt" and "self- absorbed git" come out of Minerva's mouth under her breath. She muttered something about him taking up all the space in the room.  
After this, Minerva smoothed her robes in anticipation of the next guest. Timidly, a house elf tripped down the stairs of the bus. Minerva thought she was seeing things. Perhaps this was some member of the housekeeping staff that had mistakenly wandered onto the bus.  
"I am Dobby, Madam, Dobby the house elf. Dobby is very pleased to be meeting you, Minerva. I is hoping that you will like Dobby's attire, Madam. It was all Dobby had!" the elf squeaked. Minerva reviewed his clothing and shooed him quickly into the house. Surely, there was some mistake with that one.  
On the floor of the lounge, Harry had to put down his bottle of butterbeer. He was laughing just too hard. Ron was lying on his stomach on the floor, pounding it with one fist as he laughed. Dobby and Professor McGonagall...that was just too much. Others in the room were equally stunned and amused. Madam Pomfrey shook her head, and Madam Hooch stifled laughter to the point where tears poured down her cheeks under the strain of keeping her professional composure.  
As quickly as the laughter started, it abruptly stopped when the bus started to rock a bit on its tires and a giant of a man forced his way out of the bus. Minerva wondered at length how he had gotten in to begin with, but realized that this could have been accomplished by allowing him to ride in the top compartment of the bus.  
"Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts!" a voice boomed from beneath the bristling beard and wild hair of the man. Minerva timidly extended her hand, half expecting that he would break it in his excitement. She was surprised to discover that his touch was gentle, and not the least bit too rough. His smile was dear, and Minerva blushed at his compliment on her attire. He seemed innocent and endearing, but Minerva wondered if there wasn't more to him than there appeared to be.  
In her mind, Minerva reminded herself that there were yet two more men on that bus. She took a deep breath and looked at the doors of the bus and from it issued a man she little expected. After greeting Argus Filch, Minerva thought she needed to sit down again, but as she went to sit, a hand met her elbow and guided her to her chair. She looked up into the glittering blue eyes of the last man. These eyes were framed by gold, half- moon shaped spectacles and a long mane of white hair with a beard to match.  
  
"Are you all right, Minerva?" asked a gentle voice. Minerva stared back, a weak smile gracing her face. She was no longer light-headed.  
"I'm fine," she replied softly.  
"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Albus Dumbledore. Would you do me the honor of allowing me to escort you to your party, Minerva?" Albus asked. Minerva swallowed and nodded. She slipped her hand into the crook of his arm and the two proceeded into the house. This was going to be and interesting competition to say the least! 


	3. Round I: The Party

ROUND I: The Party  
  
As soon as all the men were in the back yard, Minerva made a break for her room upstairs. She dropped her hat onto the bed and flopped down upon the coverlet. She was tempted to cry. Who were all these men? These were not the knights in shining armor that she had imagined. She was tempted much more to bow out of this silly competition right here and now. She had been single all this time, another few decades without a man wouldn't kill her would it? Then she thought of that man who called himself Moody. He had been wonderfully polite, not to mention charming, and then there was that last one. What did he call himself? Ah, yes, Dumbledore. Minerva fought a nervous giggle. Such an odd name. She wondered at length what it meant.  
  
On the other hand, there was the dwarf, and that giant fellow, and the obnoxious git who called himself Lockhart. Minerva shuddered. Mrs. Lockhart didn't sound like a good title for her. She knew that she would have to choose three of these men to leave the show tonight and this for some reason comforted her. Three of them were going out of her life as quickly as they had come. Taking a deep breath, Minerva decided that the best course of action would be to allow each of them at least a chance. She lifted herself up off the bed and replaced her hat on her head. She approached the gardens and looked out of the glass doors at them. They were all talking, laughing and having fun. Minerva was filled with a sudden desire to be out there with them. She needed a little fun tonight. Bravely, Minerva opened the door and entered the gardens.  
As the commercials started to roll over the screen, several students ran for the lavatories, making haste to make sure that they had time to get back before the show came back. Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco and Ginny stood to stretch and refill their popcorn bowls. As Ron fought Madam Hooch for the rest of the large bag of popcorn, the others mused as to who would be the first to leave the show.  
"I'm not quite sure she was amused by Flitwick or Hagrid," said Hermione.  
"Hagrid didn't do half as badly as I expected him to. I'm rather impressed!" Harry replied.  
"That sodding piece of shit, Lockhart got to go!" said Draco stolidly. Ginny gave him a dirty look but Draco fired back with both barrels.  
"The nancy boy gave an entire exam based on himself!!" Draco continued. Harry laughed. Ron was on the floor now, wrestling Madam Hooch as the popcorn flew like fluffy white rain through the air. Madam Pomfrey was shaking her head. She shouted to everyone that the show was coming back on and Madam Hooch immediately relinquished her hold on the popcorn, sending Ron sprawling on the floor covered in popcorn, butter and salt. He threw a few handfuls at Harry, Draco and Ginny as they laughed, and then joined them in front of the television again.  
For the next fifteen minutes, there were scenes of Minerva talking and laughing with her new guests. Most of the men told their stories simply and took turns. Minerva tried very hard not to laugh while Flitwick told her about his love of muggle hot tubs, and then tried very hard not to cry as Moody told stories about his career as an auror. She thought Remus Lupin was charming, for a werewolf, and even managed an respectable conversation with Lucius Malfoy. Though Hagrid's height was intimidating, she loved his sensitivity, and Dobby stumbled through a polite conversation himself. Minerva even surprised herself by managing to hold a conversation with Lord Voldemort. As it turned out, he too had attended Hogwarts as a child. He had been a Slytherin, though, and Minerva was quite sure that had she gone to school with him, she would not have associated with him.  
Minerva spent most of the night with Severus and Albus, the two men that quite possibly fascinated her the most. Severus, despite being a Slytherin, exhibited many qualities that Minerva seemed to find endearing. Severus had come from a troubled family, and but spoke sincerely about this family, and Minerva sensed a deeply contemplative, heartfelt man was hiding somewhere beneath that pale, hardened exterior. Albus however, had no such experiences to hide. He spoke candidly with Minerva about his whimsical interests and hobbies, as well as about being the headmaster of Hogwarts. He introduced Minerva to his favorite sweet, sherbet lemons, and Minerva found that they held much in common. At least for now, Minerva felt confident that Albus and Severus were not going to be among those that would be leaving the show tonight. As Minerva said this to the camera, many in the lounge clapped. Most were pulling for their dear headmaster to win, but feared that Professor Snape or Professor Moody would give the white warrior a run for his money. Only the elimination round would tell.  
  
After another commercial break, the show returned to show all of the men lined up in the gathering space inside the house. Mild tension showed on each of their faces as Minerva entered the room. The music on the show swelled a bit with the looks on the men's faces changing as she came to a stop before them and gave them a serious, stiff lipped look.  
"I've enjoyed meeting all of you tonight and I want you to know that I could never have asked for a more wonderful group of gentlemen. However," Minerva said, watching as some of the men cringed. "I must eliminate three of you tonight. This was not an easy decision, but it needs to be done." Several of the men shifted their weight or fought to keep from looking at one another. They knew that any of them might be going home tonight.  
"With that in mind," said Minerva, taking a deep breath. "Dobby, come here please." Minerva knelt to the ground to bring herself eye level with the little creature who, despite only having known her for a few hours, was already weeping a bit. Minerva took one of his knobby hands in hers and gently held it.  
"I'm glad I got to meet you tonight, Dobby, but I'm afraid that a relationship between us just would not work out. You do understand, don't you, Dobby?" Minerva asked.  
"Dobby understands, ma'am," the house elf replied. "You must do what you must do." Dobby blew his nose on his pillowcase tunic, which he had vigorously washed and ironed for this occasion. Tears welled like puddles in his eyes as he walked, hunched over and weeping, toward the door. Several of the remaining men looked at one another. This Minerva woman didn't mess around! She went straight for the little guy! No mercy. Lupin swallowed a lump of fear that had been stuck in his throat as Dobby left the house. The camera panned across the drive as Dobby climbed back into the Knight Bus and proceeded to sob, too heartbroken to comment further. When the camera returned to the gathering area, Minerva had stood and smoothed her robes in preparation for the next elimination. The guys held their breath.  
"The next person going home tonight is...Hagrid," Minerva said, hesitating a little before she said the name. Hagrid nearly knocked Moody and Lupin onto the floor as he made his way from the back of the row of men. This time, Hagrid knelt and Minerva stood on her tiptoes. Her hand looked like a fairy's against Hagrid's face as she stroked his cheek.  
"Hagrid, I love your spirit and your endearing gentleness, but I'm afraid that our height difference, among other things, would make a meaningful relationship very difficult. I know that there is a woman out there for you, Rubeus, but I'm not that woman. I want you to be happy, and you never could be with me," said Minerva.  
In the lounge, it was silent again. Hagrid began to quietly cry fat teardrops as he gave Minerva a kiss that I'm sure was both wet and particularly scratchy due to the texture of his beard before he, too, made his way back out to the bus.  
"Oh, poor Hagrid!" whimpered Hermione. Ron tightened his arms around her and kissed her cheek.  
"He'll be okay, Hermione. He still has Madam Maxime after all," said Ron. Hermione nodded and the group refocused their attention on the screen for the third and final elimination.  
Minerva looked at the remaining men. This last decision was not a hard one what-so-ever. She knew from the moment he got off the bus that this man had to go.  
"The last elimination tonight is Gilderoy Lockhart," Minerva said, nearly all in one breath. The other men looked at Lockhart and he seemed to snap out of a trance.  
"What? What do you mean? Minerva, we were getting along so well!" Lockhart argued.  
"You tried to sell me your personal line of hair care products instead of trying to win my heart. It's a good thing we were out in the garden or else no one else would have fit into the room. Face it, Gilderoy, you're done." Minerva stated firmly. Gilderoy remained flabbergasted. By now, a few of the men were starting to stifle laughter.  
  
"But!"  
"Goodbye, Gilderoy."  
Forlornly, Gilderoy conceded defeat and left the house, occasionally turning back to wait for Minerva to change her mind and see what a mistake she was making. Unfortunately for him, she knew exactly what she was doing. Once he was gone, the men released the breath that they had been holding. The rest were to continue to the next round. Minerva smiled as her men shook hands and clapped one another on the back in congratulations. The men took turns bidding Minerva goodnight and then they all retired to the guest house that they were all staying in for the duration of the show.  
  
The first of many challenges to win Minerva's heart would begin the following day. 


End file.
